For mail I received this letter I want to share.
Paula and I together by invisible threads, and indestructible
been a year and a half since that day that left an indelible mark on my life. I look back and acknowledge that I have come a long way since the day that Paula died. Many people tell me that admires how strong I am, that I have not collapsed. I think "have not seen me in my worst moments, but I recognize that I have fought fiercely to try not only to survive but to live. The truth is that he had many more options. What else could I do but fight? ... Sure, I could have picked me be overwhelmed by sadness, full of bitterness, lie down to die. But I have another son who deserves to live and be happy. I can not imagine people who do not have anyone for whom to live.
I think over time, as I have developed a different perspective on the death of Paula, but deep sadness and pain are always, intensity and duration have eased a bit. Or possibly has increased my ability to tolerate pain. Paula was not present when had the accident, however the images flutter in my mind and sometimes at night I wake up because in my dream I fall and be the fatal blow to the head. Sometimes looks at me, smiles and says, "Look, Mommy, I can fly."
Paula's memories are a mixture of pain and tenderness. Before long, he managed to string together memories of entire events. Perhaps that is why memories appear as flashes of light. Appear and are so intense that no strength left me, wrapped in a very deep sadness. Achievement sometimes smile when I think of some amusing episode in his life. It is still a shy smile, warm. My laughter is no longer out of my stomach as before.
My sufferings are endless and my pain (in different magnitudes) are as well, and seem to stop, because no sooner had one already comes another ... as a turning wheel without stopping the wheel of pain.
And do not stop, fall over and over again in mourning, in self-pity, in depression, weakness, no strength to look ahead, not strength to stand alone, ask for help sometimes quietly, sometimes God and sometimes screaming! Why does this happen to me me? When will so much pain? Why do I suffer so much? and then ... I join in the sea of \u200b\u200bsadness, I had no strength, no desire to get up, not wanting to fight with my irrigation tears my days ............ unanswered.
Small events can wake up my pain with overwhelming force. If I see a photo I had never seen, I hear a song from their favorite band, I find some of her friends, listen to your recorded voice, I immediately feel the pain as sharp as I felt the day he died. Those are my worst days. No fight. Let me wrap pain, because only by recognizing it, I am accepting that I'm alive.
has not been easy to remain a family. Before long we could sit three to eat. See the empty chair once occupied Paula was too painful. It was not easy to leave the three Vacation to where we were before the four. Each activity we do is incomplete. There is always the question how Paula would have been if he were still here?
stay away from the family celebrations. Where are all my family members gathered, the absence of Paula makes me much more intolerable. See their premiums rise, studying, living happily her teenage years, see them become young adults, is a knife that sticks in my chest.
One of the things I've learned is to be more understanding and sensitive to other people's pain. If I see someone who treats me badly addressed rudely, then I think maybe that person also I suffer like the death of a child or other loved one. I know there are many people who have had experiences similar or more devastating than mine. My suffering is small compared with that vast universe of pain. Gradually
have been reconciled and reconnecting with life. Slowly I turned to laugh, to work, to relate to some people. I have stopped interacting with others. Represent the difference between "before and after" ... and it hurts. I have learned to protect myself from situations or people that hurt me, upset me, consuming my energy. I have gradually been building a new life, adding new elements, try new activities know what I feel comfortable. It is a process of trial and error. Discipline rather than motivation. . Seeking a mission in my life. I feel it is important to me to have a goal, something worth getting up in the morning. I know that something needs to be related to Paula. She guides me in this quest. I need to learn to quiet my mind to hear his voice. It's just a matter of time. I have patience. Be patient.
most important thing for me has been finding ways to honor and keep alive the memory of Paula. Since I can not give anything else in this life, try to find simple rituals that can help you in your new life and comfort me. I light candles on his birthday and any other day when I have the urge Paula or when I feel that he asks. The candle flame represents for me the spirit of Paula and I think that wherever you are, Paula sees the light of the candle and do not feel alone.
My relationship with Paula is no longer physical. It is spiritual. I think and feel that the more I grow spiritually, the closer it. I like to think that Paula and I continue to grow, each in its reality, each in its own way and that my relationship with her develops, reaching different shades and much deeper.
I pause. The sun has come out again. I look to the garden and observe the flowers. I decide to take a book and sit awhile in the garden. Today I can feel satisfaction doing these simple things. Paula is always present in all these small acts of my everyday life. I see Paula in the brushstrokes of watercolor of a sunset, in large, deep eyes of a girl, in the strong wind in the treetops. We communicate without words. We are bound by invisible threads, and indestructible.
